What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

I will be 64.

She loved him until the end.

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I was seconnd youngest,

(And it was in our own minds.)

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

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So, i spoilt her more .

Would this be the day?

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

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I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

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I waited trembling.

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

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But ive been too sick for many years..

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

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We all went to grammer schools

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

And who doesn’t know suffering?

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She was in good health!

I write beautiful poetry .

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

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So whats the point in blame.

I had hoped to write a book about this .

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

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I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

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I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

He resisted the act ,that day.

And i lived it daily.

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

I know ,a lot about trauma.

He knew the spot.

They are buried together, in the same grave..

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

On the 31st of Jan this month .

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

Put me off passion for life!!

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

Was to survive, this bastard.

Who then, do I blame.?

I was 9 years of age.

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

One cannot live in the past .

Comes on , in middle age.

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

My mum and dad in the seventies!

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

I never cut or harmed myself..

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

I think the readers, may guess!

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

It was going to be , some day.

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

The only rule us 5 kids had .

He was dying to do it , i knew.

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

We were not on the streets..

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

Especially a lifetime of it.

But it wasn’t much.

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

This is soul school!.

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

What did i know ?

Where the ultimate outsiders.

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

I couldn’t, believe it.

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

My family never makes their pension either.

I could never make a relationship work though!

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

This is how, and why children get BPD.

I have no regrets .

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

My life is so biszare .

Im dying but, im not bitter.

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

She found it foreign!.

Ive learnt so much.

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

She married twice! .

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

But, we were locked up after school.

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

All the time i was locked up.

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

I don,t even have a pension.

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

Why did i forgive my father ?

I did it because my mum asked me too!

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

Im still living with it.

When she asked me how she looked .

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

I was scared of men, in general

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

As i do to all so called friends.?

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

I said to her

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

She wouldn,t have been !

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

I was very sick at this time too.